My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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