My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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