I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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