you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
The air taste purple.
Randomize
