Since when is my name a synonym for head?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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