Cold hands, warm shart.
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
