dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
