Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
it hurts more in the daytime
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I got her a Nickelback box set.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
