I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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