when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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