The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
