Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
