I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
