I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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