On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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