do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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