I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
