Your mouth is God's brothel.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
