I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
