Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
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