Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
