She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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