yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You can't just leave with hair like that
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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