Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
