She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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