I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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