is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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