I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He's a Shit stain on my heart
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My vagina is officially offended.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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