Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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