remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
