All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
