This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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