if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
