Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
