planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
