my phone needs a breathalizer
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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