I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
