hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
