so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
