My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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