These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
