I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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