it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
3pm strippers are depressing
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You are the jesus of drinking
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
