my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
