he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
he thought i was a dude.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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