Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
