sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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