so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
