Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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