I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
